I’m pooping like crazy and I’m tired of it. No more eating for fun.

I think I’ve been missing something significant and irreplaceable my entire life. I think, with flippant disregard and at a grave cost to my own well-being, I have vehemently refused it time and time again.

Water, _Helen. Water.

What’s a normal amount of water to drink? I think I’ve had less than 100 glasses in my entire lifetime and probably should have dried up like the Grand Canyon a long time ago. I remember my mother waking up to a hot cup of coffee every morning, or a cold cup of iced coffee every morning, and despite knowing how tragically unhealthy it was at the time, I effortlessly adopted the habit. Do as I say, and not as I do, Mama? As the day goes on, and I am thirsty, I turn to soda. Or more coffee. “That has some water in it”. Uh-huh. About as much water as I have in me. And salt and sugar and bubbles and cream and all kinds of other bullshit that is absolutely, positively, unequivocally, not water.

No more foolin’ myself. I need to drink water.

Is it 8 glasses a day? I will do it. I will do anything to return my body to a fluid state, as I have spent much time becoming sore and worn down by its thick dust and rigidity. I am a multi-leveled water being, with my ocean-abusing heritage and fanciful, aquatic star sign. I will return to it. I will return to the water.

After about 1 week’s worth of effort, I am now capable of “slamming“ the water. It’s not extremely necessary, but when dehydration is indicated, I will choose to aggressively flush it out. Ahh. It no longer feels gross to me as it did in the past. Some days, the only water I would drink would be what unintentionally fell in my mouth while I showered.

A cold shiver climbs my spine as I complete my second glass since I’ve started writing. I can tell I am still slightly possessed by the nights dehydrating effect. I shoulda’ slammed sooner, but I had a hard time finding my shape this morning, and I meandered around, mushy and blob-like until I could affix myself to the kitchen table and untangle the mind-strangling mess of thoughts with which I woke. My thoughts, frustrations, needs, and desires are now stacked in a neat little row, and I can easily take from any. It will be hard to remove myself from the comfort of where I am now, but I had 2 glasses of water, and I will not remain rigid.

_05/06/2023

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